I was ready to walk out the door for work last Wednesday morning when my best friend from high school called. As all feeling drained from my body, I listened to her tell me that she had just found her nineteen year old son on the living room couch, dead. Her only child, a major part of her life and her world for nineteen years, lay still and cold as she watched the paramedics and police do their jobs. I listened and cried with her, then told her I would be with her as soon as possible. Fortunately, I'm only an hour away, and I have an understanding husband and boss, so I was able to be at Susan's side in less time than you might think. I stayed with her and her husband for a couple days, cooking, straightening, listening, crying and marvelling at the strength of people during such a horrible occurrence.

At this time, it appears that the cause of his death was an accidental drug overdose. It was not a desperate act by a depressed teenager. It was not a dramatic gesture that went awry. It was a teenage boy, a bright and caring young man with plans for his future who decided that it would be fun to get high with a friend and watch a movie. The little kink in the plan was either an unfortunate combination of drugs or a contaminated drug that caused that little spark that makes each of us who we are to cease to exist in that young body. An autopsy was performed because of Aaron's age and because of the circumstances and it may turn out that there was an underlying and unknown medical condition that was the real cause of his death. At this point, it really doesn't matter.

Susan and Pete have lost the most precious thing in their lives. They are viewing Aaron's death as a murder; the one who gave him the pills is a murderer. The continuation of Susan's family line is not to be; there are no other children to continue her branch of the family. All their hopes and dreams for their child have been suddenly and cruelly crushed out by what was likely a poor choice made on the spur of the moment. C'mon, let's get high; it'll be fun.

I have children who I know have made poor choices in their short lives, as I have made in my longer one. I am grateful that their choices have not resulted in their injury or death. I have no great philosophical statement to make. There is much pain in my heart for my friends, and for my god-son, that this life has been ended so suddenly and maybe so needlessly.

I believe that there is only good in this universe and I don't have to be able to see the good to know that it exists. I don't understand things like this, but I don't need to understand them. I only need to remind myself that all good will come from this. I remind myself that there is no great loss without some small gain, to quote my mother. And I remind myself that sometimes, it just sucks.

Caleb went back to work on Friday. He's been off on temporary disability because of the fall he took the Sunday before Thanksgiving and has been alternately enjoying the enforced leisure and stressing about doing without a paycheck. We had an unexpected six inches of snow on Saturday and, due to his bald tires which he hasn't been able to replace just yet, he asked me for a ride to work today rather than risk getting his car stuck when he tried to pull out of his driveway.

I love Caleb's mind and the way his heart gets involved in everything he does. I asked him how it felt to be back at work and he replied that it was okay, but not the same as it was before Thanksgiving. He said that it seems like no one at work cares anymore. His explanation told me that he has realized and accepted the fact that the large corporation he works for does not encourage any extra effort whatsoever. Even his supervisor, who had been very strict with their time management, apparently had an epiphany over the holidays and has accepted that, while he may be held responsible for anything they don't do, he will certainly not be rewarded for anything above and beyond that they do do. It sounds like Caleb has worked at this job just about long enough to become dissatisfied and start looking for something more rewarding.

He is comfortable enough with his wages and he's okay with the notion that he can do anything expected of him on the job in his sleep. He is not comfortable with the idea that he has no possibility of promotion whatsoever and he is not comfortable with the idea that his willingness to perform at more than the minimum level will not only not be appreciated, but will be exploited. The way he explained it, if he sees something that needs to be done and does it, he will be expected to continue doing it, with no compensation. If at some point in the future, he decides that he doesn't want to or doesn't have time to keep on doing it, he could lose his job for refusing to do something that he wasn't required, or expected, to do in the first place.

I love that he is smart enough to get all of this. I love that he is an intelligent, perceptive young man who sorts all of this out. It breaks my heart that he is not my sweet little boy any longer. It further breaks my heart that his world is not perfect. I know, I know, but this is my party and I can cry if I want to. (sorry, Leslie Gore)

This being said, Caleb is an attractive, charming young man who is loved and appreciated by many people in his life, both family and friends. There is no significant other in his life as yet, but I know that "he just hasn't met the right person." I love him, I'm proud of him and I'm extremely grateful that we have the relationship that we have.